Saturday, February 7, 2009

I understand the control issues. I honestly do.

You finally have it. It's all yours. I hope you're happy. This is what you finally wanted. Complete control. The ability to shut people out of your life. The one thing you're truly good at. And I'm not fighting it anymore.

I was talking the other day, about the ways that I cared for you, and how I never felt like they were appreciated.

I picked up a uhaul van, I waited next to the train tracks where you had your first bike accident ever. The exact same spot where I scooped you up off the ground, where I carried you out of traffic, and brought your bike with me. The exact same spot where I held you so fucking hard while you cried your eyes out. Where I yelled at the driver that stopped to see if you were okay, I was so defensive of you, this little girl that I could see right through at that moment, that I could see was hurting, that was letting me see. That was probably the closest I ever felt to you, and to your emotions. Because I felt like I was let in.

I picked you up off the ground that night, and dusted you off, and told you you'd be alright. I never could have loved you more than at that moment.

I built that bike for you. I wanted you to have what I cherished.

I waited there, looking at the ground. Looking at the spot where you fell. And I got the keys for the van. The big empty van.

You asked me so many times why I didn't just leave you, if there's so little I liked about you. That wasn't the case. It was never about things I didn't like about you. It was about wanting to cut through the bullshit, and be closer to you, and to feel safer. I never left you because I was completely entirely in love with you. I know somewhere inside, you know that.

We both know I'm not good with confrontation. I get mean when I'm cornered. I get defensive when I'm confronted. I get angry when I'm not listened to. I get angrier when I'm not given space in a situation when I need to clear my head and/or calm down.

We could make a list a mile long each, of the things we both do wrong.

"I'm sorry I fight you."

It never changed. I never wanted to just be another proving ground for your character, or for your image of personal strength. I just wanted a future with you, and a safe space to grow in.

Why are you always running? I wish you had the courage to just stick around, or to be happy with what you have.

I'm sorry your needs were so unfulfillable. Honestly, everyone has needs. And it's next to impossible to ever have anyone fill them.

I'm sorry I asked for you to be such a safe space for me. I suppose that's just as hard.

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