Saturday, January 31, 2009

Well, I'm hurting.

I found some old communications, a notebook passed back and forth.

And it certainly shines a light on a lot of problems that we've both had.

The ways that we're similar, the things we project onto each other.

I'm hurting, I'm hurting really badly. I've been building my life around someone for the past year. Reassuring them on things that came up. The topic of image, or being attractive, or not being good enough. I've been reassuring for a whole year, about how beautiful this person was, without makeup, without having to shave their legs, without having to be an object.

The thoughts of being boring, and not good enough. Your pictures of cats, the writings of your dreams, your ability to work on mechanical things yourself. Because behind all of those walls and all of those feelings of not being good enough, or having to appease someone as an object, I saw a beautiful person, a soft and sensitive and amazing person.

"JP, I need to actually matter to you if this is going to work. Matter in the sense of wanting to understand my goals and my desires. In the sense that everything I say is not an attack, does not require a knee-jerk defense, does not need to turn into confrontation."

I feel like the same can be said about either of us. On how many times I bring up my feelings, in whatever way I can. And instant defense. I'm sorry I'm bad at communicating my feelings. But both of us are.

"She had a pretty face, but she never learned how to talk."

I'm mean. I scream, and I try to push people away from me when I feel intruded, or like I don't have any space to even think in. I'm an asshole, and I turn all of my feelings of insecurity, feeling like I'm not being listened to, feeling like I'm just a comfortable space to curl up into, or a machine to scratch heads, and rub backs, and not having that safe space anywhere else in the world, and trying to slowly find that place in one person, I turn all of those feelings into frustration, and eventually anger.

You threatened me once, saying that "you couldn't believe that you were thinking of our future", "I was thinking of you and me having children together!". As if it was something to hang over my head. And it hurt. It still hurts. The ironic thing is, I started thinking from there. Started planing, started thinking of being a father, started thinking of actually having children with you. Started thinking of how I could be a father. Be the father that neither one of us had growing up. Then I started thinking of you being a mother. And how any of those mothering instincts could have been shown.

Even when we both probably hated each other, I've never left. I know what it's like to have abandonment issues. I know what it's like to be scared that the ground underneath your feet is going to drop right out from under you. At this point, it has for me.

I get frusterated, at all the times that I've tried so hard to be a stable and sturdy person. Painting a bedroom in nowhere virginia, with no way home except for one person that may or may not threaten me with the use of a car. Giving you my tax return when I had no money, even while I was mad at you. You drove away, got on your phone, and drove away. Coming home to you every night, and letting you know that it's the only thing I look forward to, and how I want to do it for the rest of my life. Going with you every chance I can get to go stand by your side while you're seeing your dad. Swallowing my pride, my discomfort, my frustration, and just being there for someone who needs me.

I don't blame you for any of the ways that you are. I also think that there are some major control issues, male issues, and parental issues that you need to work through.

I get pissed at how obvious of a control issue it is, to take actions that will directly hurt someone, take out from under them, everything that they were relying on. Cut off all comunication, and start communicating passive aggressively through the internet, blogs, myspace status'. It's taking control, and giving nothing to the other person, not even anything to work with. I'm not the one that took away your ability to control things in your life. I'm not the one that should pay for that either. I'm not the one that planted the seeds of you feelings useless as anything except an object. I even tried to reverse alot of those feelings. I didn't want to just fuck you, I didn't want you to just be around, I didn't want you to just look pretty, I didn't want any of those things. I still don't want any of those things.

You didn't plant the seeds of me feeling not good enough, but at this point, it's still a continual problem. You leave people that aren't good enough for you, don't you? You didn't plant the seeds of me having no outlet to express sadness or hurt, besides expressing them through frustration. But you still fight me. "I'm sorry I fight you." You fight me. You fight me, you fight the world. And I fight back when I get too scared or claustrophobic. You run from your real issues, by attacking your current issues, by finding goals and going after them at full speed. I see this, I know what running from unresolved issues looks like, I've done it. I've been doing it for a long time. I stopped running for you. I started talking it through for you.

We both have issues. I think the most I've ever screamed has been over either wanting to be left alone, or wanting to be listened to. It's funny how those things can and will eventually be used against you.

I don't blame you for having some of the issues you have. Issues you said you'd work on. For fuck's sake, I started to see a psychologist for you, for this relationship, for us, for our future. I started planning long term goals. I started really digging into my issues.

I also started waiting, waiting for you to be a more possitive person. Waiting for you to stop being so cold. TO be more comfortable in alot of situations, to stop just watching the world around you, and to join in, to stop staring and silently judging people.

I wanted someone to love me, and to be there for me, no matter how bad things got. I'm still here for you, no questions asked. I'm still here for you. I'm never not going to be here for you. I'm not that spiteful.

I suppose to love someone else, you have to love yourself. I think that's hard if you can't respect anything about yourself, or think that no one else can respect anything about you either.

I never planted the seed of you being a victim. I never wanted you to be the victim to the rest of the world. I never wanted you to have to assume the roll of the survivor. I never wanted that to continue.

It's a shame though, how in our roles it takes all the responsibility off of us. It's the rest of the world that's the problem. I'm just the victim. I'm just paying for these issues.

And I worry so god damned much about you. I worry about you continually setting yourself up in situations where you're seen as the victim, where you expect it. Because, then it gets fulfilled. We create our own outlooks. We create our own stories.

I think neither of us are fully capable of accepting love. I've built a home with you. And in some twisted mechanism of coping with things, you've not only shut me out of the place my heart calls home, but out of the only stable ground I had. I've built a home with you. At this point, I'm the only one putting any value on that. It's worth something. I'm sorry you don't think so.

I love you. I won't stop loving you. I never wanted to leave. I never wanted anything but a future with you. I'm sorry that neither of us could work through our things in time enough for you to be happy with. But since it's your decision, you want to be in control. You can have it. I love you. I will always be here for you. If I had a car, I would have helped you move your stuff.

Friday, January 30, 2009

thoughts on places and situations

Some people are always the victim in their own life's story.
Some people are also their own savior.
or a parent
or a new partner
or something as simple as wanting attention, intimacy, new love interests, to be desired sexually.
Some people have had to focus on different things.
Survival, recovery, self hate, loathing, growing up too fast.
Some people need to have a little help. Or years of help.
Some people work on things themselves, or at least convince themselves they are.
Even convince themselves that they're alright.
Some people have to make the rest of the world their problem, or their obstacle, their escape, they're magic, their enemy.

Some people don't have parents that they can trust, or that they can yet learn how to trust.
Some people can't trust anyone but the person that held them safe and tight through the stages of infancy and childhood.
Some people didn't have anyone to hold on to them.
Some people were held too tight. Squeezed, and internals broken.

Some people need warm places to nestle into.
Some people need to give those warm spaces. Sometimes in exchange for validation, or a feeling of appreciation.
In a way of trying to make themselves indispensable from the one they're trying to hold close.
Some people are ovens. Want to love and appreciate the world around them, even if they can't do it right all the time.
Some people are bricks. Heated and cooked, and burnt. The thing about bricks though, they're hard to stop.
Capable of hurtling themselves fullspeed into a certain direction. Ready to knock down anything that gets in the way.
A brick doesn't radiate heat. It absorbs it. And it's never enough.

So in the end, what happens when you put two people, both with control issues, a history of assault and mental and physical abuse, and a fear of being meaningless or not valuable, in the same room together? What happens?

Some people can open up immediately, just looking for that place inside of someone that they can call home. Bursting at the seems to spill out with things that have been stockpiling, just waiting for a nice warm home in another's heart to gently pack themselves away into.
Some people take months, or even years to open up.
Some people hide their feelings, and their stockpiled goods behind fronts, make up, sunglasses, a bad attitude.
Some people hide their feelings behind other feelings. Like hostility, anger, annoyance.

Different movies and story line, same plot. Slightly similar character development.

So where's the middle ground? When you're too busy pushing yourself into someone else's space and life. How do you accept incoming traffic, when you're too busy going?

different movies
same plot

There's a couple different ways to play the victim.
You can choose to be the continual victim, everyone does you harm, you tell yourself you don't deserve what the world gives you. Or maybe the world is too harsh for your standards.
Or you can choose to always play the survivor. The person who knows more than anyone else around them, knows that they deserve to get out on top. Armed with resources to help you get by, coping mechanisms, a familiar place to run back to. Or run away to.

Truth is subjective. We've all got our own stories. Our own roles we cast ourselves in.
And we're all working through our own problems.
It's just a shame how many of us have to pay for others' problems.
It's a shame that so many of us think we're paying for something. When we're freely giving it away.
History will repeat itself from time to time.
Sometimes it's hard to tell who's history it is.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

12 July 08

"Things I have done to hurt you,things I am sorry for, things I need to change and will...

-I never should have told you to leave a home we've both established as equally ours.
I should never make you feel like you have nowhere to go, that your things are not safe, that your living arrangements are unstable.
I recognize this as an emotionally abusive quality and want to appologize and do whatever I can to change this

-I should never keep you from sleeping when you are tired. I get so excited to see you but it is overbearing and inconsiderate for me to want you to be fuly awake at all times. I know you work so, so hard and I want you to get all the rest you need and deserve.

-I should never have read your personal messages. This is inrusive and there should be no excuse for it. I was scared and wanted to know if you were moving on, but I should not have crossed that line, and I am sorry.

-I am sorry I fight. I am so sorry that I fight you. This probably sounds absurd, but last night, the thing that hurt me more than anything having to do with myself was the thought that I was not there for you when you confronted your mother, and that I am no longer a trusted space for you to talk about this. My god, the thought literally makes me choke. I have always seen us as a team and have felt your pains as if they were my own, and I want so badly to be there for you with your mother, and I wasn't.
For this I am the most sorry of all. That I took away your safe space within me and us. I don't know how I can ever gain your trust again but I will fight for it.

If you knew how much I love you your heart would just shiver and ache just like mine does, today, imagining this precious, precious person in my life, so precious you could be the most prized and adored part of my childhood fragile collection, so precious the rest of the world pauses when you are here - thinking that you, the most valuable, amazing gift I've ever had, could be hurt because of me, it makes my entire life crumble before me. In all the ways I have hurt you I am sorry. My only hope is that you will believe me when I say that keeping this and working to be what you need and deserve is my biggest priority. Please say we can work together to make each other happy and safe again. I love you too much to let this get away easily."

Monday, January 12, 2009

Stunning photographs of landmark captured over six-month period

Taken from The Telegraph

A series of majestic emerald arcs light up one of Britain's most
iconic landmarks in this stunning photograph taken with one of the
longest-ever exposures.

Solargraph - Justin Quinnell's photograph of the Clifton Suspension Bridge

Solargraph: Justin Quinnell's photograph of the Clifton Suspension Bridge

The spectacular picture shows each phase of the sun over Bristol's Clifton Suspension Bridge taken over a six month period. It plots the sun's daily course as it rises and falls over Brunel's famous structure, which spans the 702ft (214m) Avon Gorge. Incredibly, the eerie image was captured on a basic pin-hole camera made from  an empty drinks can with a 0.25mm aperture and a single sheet of photographic paper. Photographer Justin Quinnell strapped the camera to a telephone pole overlooking the Gorge, where it was left between December 19, 2007 and June 21, 2008 - the winter and summer solstices.
His final photograph, called 'Solargraph', shows six months of the sun's luminescent trails and its subtle change of course caused by the earth's movement in orbit.
The lowest arc shows the first day of exposure on the winter solstice, while the top curves were captured in the middle of summer.
Its dotted lines of light are the result of overcast days when the sun struggled to penetrate the cloud.
Mr Quinnell, a world-renowned pin-hole camera artist, of Falmouth, Cornwall, said the photograph took on a personal resonance after his father passed away on April 13 - halfway through the exposure.
He says the picture allows him to pinpoint the exact location of the sun in the sky at the moment his father passed away.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Right this minute.

I'm content.

I had an amazing childhood until I was about 6 or 7.

I have an amazing, beautiful, intelligent girlfriend who means the fucking world to me. I have my dad finally, I have my little brother. I'm finally an older brother.

I'm working at getting better at accepting love.

Thank you.

Thank you.