Saturday, January 31, 2009

Well, I'm hurting.

I found some old communications, a notebook passed back and forth.

And it certainly shines a light on a lot of problems that we've both had.

The ways that we're similar, the things we project onto each other.

I'm hurting, I'm hurting really badly. I've been building my life around someone for the past year. Reassuring them on things that came up. The topic of image, or being attractive, or not being good enough. I've been reassuring for a whole year, about how beautiful this person was, without makeup, without having to shave their legs, without having to be an object.

The thoughts of being boring, and not good enough. Your pictures of cats, the writings of your dreams, your ability to work on mechanical things yourself. Because behind all of those walls and all of those feelings of not being good enough, or having to appease someone as an object, I saw a beautiful person, a soft and sensitive and amazing person.

"JP, I need to actually matter to you if this is going to work. Matter in the sense of wanting to understand my goals and my desires. In the sense that everything I say is not an attack, does not require a knee-jerk defense, does not need to turn into confrontation."

I feel like the same can be said about either of us. On how many times I bring up my feelings, in whatever way I can. And instant defense. I'm sorry I'm bad at communicating my feelings. But both of us are.

"She had a pretty face, but she never learned how to talk."

I'm mean. I scream, and I try to push people away from me when I feel intruded, or like I don't have any space to even think in. I'm an asshole, and I turn all of my feelings of insecurity, feeling like I'm not being listened to, feeling like I'm just a comfortable space to curl up into, or a machine to scratch heads, and rub backs, and not having that safe space anywhere else in the world, and trying to slowly find that place in one person, I turn all of those feelings into frustration, and eventually anger.

You threatened me once, saying that "you couldn't believe that you were thinking of our future", "I was thinking of you and me having children together!". As if it was something to hang over my head. And it hurt. It still hurts. The ironic thing is, I started thinking from there. Started planing, started thinking of being a father, started thinking of actually having children with you. Started thinking of how I could be a father. Be the father that neither one of us had growing up. Then I started thinking of you being a mother. And how any of those mothering instincts could have been shown.

Even when we both probably hated each other, I've never left. I know what it's like to have abandonment issues. I know what it's like to be scared that the ground underneath your feet is going to drop right out from under you. At this point, it has for me.

I get frusterated, at all the times that I've tried so hard to be a stable and sturdy person. Painting a bedroom in nowhere virginia, with no way home except for one person that may or may not threaten me with the use of a car. Giving you my tax return when I had no money, even while I was mad at you. You drove away, got on your phone, and drove away. Coming home to you every night, and letting you know that it's the only thing I look forward to, and how I want to do it for the rest of my life. Going with you every chance I can get to go stand by your side while you're seeing your dad. Swallowing my pride, my discomfort, my frustration, and just being there for someone who needs me.

I don't blame you for any of the ways that you are. I also think that there are some major control issues, male issues, and parental issues that you need to work through.

I get pissed at how obvious of a control issue it is, to take actions that will directly hurt someone, take out from under them, everything that they were relying on. Cut off all comunication, and start communicating passive aggressively through the internet, blogs, myspace status'. It's taking control, and giving nothing to the other person, not even anything to work with. I'm not the one that took away your ability to control things in your life. I'm not the one that should pay for that either. I'm not the one that planted the seeds of you feelings useless as anything except an object. I even tried to reverse alot of those feelings. I didn't want to just fuck you, I didn't want you to just be around, I didn't want you to just look pretty, I didn't want any of those things. I still don't want any of those things.

You didn't plant the seeds of me feeling not good enough, but at this point, it's still a continual problem. You leave people that aren't good enough for you, don't you? You didn't plant the seeds of me having no outlet to express sadness or hurt, besides expressing them through frustration. But you still fight me. "I'm sorry I fight you." You fight me. You fight me, you fight the world. And I fight back when I get too scared or claustrophobic. You run from your real issues, by attacking your current issues, by finding goals and going after them at full speed. I see this, I know what running from unresolved issues looks like, I've done it. I've been doing it for a long time. I stopped running for you. I started talking it through for you.

We both have issues. I think the most I've ever screamed has been over either wanting to be left alone, or wanting to be listened to. It's funny how those things can and will eventually be used against you.

I don't blame you for having some of the issues you have. Issues you said you'd work on. For fuck's sake, I started to see a psychologist for you, for this relationship, for us, for our future. I started planning long term goals. I started really digging into my issues.

I also started waiting, waiting for you to be a more possitive person. Waiting for you to stop being so cold. TO be more comfortable in alot of situations, to stop just watching the world around you, and to join in, to stop staring and silently judging people.

I wanted someone to love me, and to be there for me, no matter how bad things got. I'm still here for you, no questions asked. I'm still here for you. I'm never not going to be here for you. I'm not that spiteful.

I suppose to love someone else, you have to love yourself. I think that's hard if you can't respect anything about yourself, or think that no one else can respect anything about you either.

I never planted the seed of you being a victim. I never wanted you to be the victim to the rest of the world. I never wanted you to have to assume the roll of the survivor. I never wanted that to continue.

It's a shame though, how in our roles it takes all the responsibility off of us. It's the rest of the world that's the problem. I'm just the victim. I'm just paying for these issues.

And I worry so god damned much about you. I worry about you continually setting yourself up in situations where you're seen as the victim, where you expect it. Because, then it gets fulfilled. We create our own outlooks. We create our own stories.

I think neither of us are fully capable of accepting love. I've built a home with you. And in some twisted mechanism of coping with things, you've not only shut me out of the place my heart calls home, but out of the only stable ground I had. I've built a home with you. At this point, I'm the only one putting any value on that. It's worth something. I'm sorry you don't think so.

I love you. I won't stop loving you. I never wanted to leave. I never wanted anything but a future with you. I'm sorry that neither of us could work through our things in time enough for you to be happy with. But since it's your decision, you want to be in control. You can have it. I love you. I will always be here for you. If I had a car, I would have helped you move your stuff.

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