Friday, January 30, 2009

thoughts on places and situations

Some people are always the victim in their own life's story.
Some people are also their own savior.
or a parent
or a new partner
or something as simple as wanting attention, intimacy, new love interests, to be desired sexually.
Some people have had to focus on different things.
Survival, recovery, self hate, loathing, growing up too fast.
Some people need to have a little help. Or years of help.
Some people work on things themselves, or at least convince themselves they are.
Even convince themselves that they're alright.
Some people have to make the rest of the world their problem, or their obstacle, their escape, they're magic, their enemy.

Some people don't have parents that they can trust, or that they can yet learn how to trust.
Some people can't trust anyone but the person that held them safe and tight through the stages of infancy and childhood.
Some people didn't have anyone to hold on to them.
Some people were held too tight. Squeezed, and internals broken.

Some people need warm places to nestle into.
Some people need to give those warm spaces. Sometimes in exchange for validation, or a feeling of appreciation.
In a way of trying to make themselves indispensable from the one they're trying to hold close.
Some people are ovens. Want to love and appreciate the world around them, even if they can't do it right all the time.
Some people are bricks. Heated and cooked, and burnt. The thing about bricks though, they're hard to stop.
Capable of hurtling themselves fullspeed into a certain direction. Ready to knock down anything that gets in the way.
A brick doesn't radiate heat. It absorbs it. And it's never enough.

So in the end, what happens when you put two people, both with control issues, a history of assault and mental and physical abuse, and a fear of being meaningless or not valuable, in the same room together? What happens?

Some people can open up immediately, just looking for that place inside of someone that they can call home. Bursting at the seems to spill out with things that have been stockpiling, just waiting for a nice warm home in another's heart to gently pack themselves away into.
Some people take months, or even years to open up.
Some people hide their feelings, and their stockpiled goods behind fronts, make up, sunglasses, a bad attitude.
Some people hide their feelings behind other feelings. Like hostility, anger, annoyance.

Different movies and story line, same plot. Slightly similar character development.

So where's the middle ground? When you're too busy pushing yourself into someone else's space and life. How do you accept incoming traffic, when you're too busy going?

different movies
same plot

There's a couple different ways to play the victim.
You can choose to be the continual victim, everyone does you harm, you tell yourself you don't deserve what the world gives you. Or maybe the world is too harsh for your standards.
Or you can choose to always play the survivor. The person who knows more than anyone else around them, knows that they deserve to get out on top. Armed with resources to help you get by, coping mechanisms, a familiar place to run back to. Or run away to.

Truth is subjective. We've all got our own stories. Our own roles we cast ourselves in.
And we're all working through our own problems.
It's just a shame how many of us have to pay for others' problems.
It's a shame that so many of us think we're paying for something. When we're freely giving it away.
History will repeat itself from time to time.
Sometimes it's hard to tell who's history it is.

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