so rad

I understand the control issues. I honestly do.

You finally have it. It's all yours. I hope you're happy. This is what you finally wanted. Complete control. The ability to shut people out of your life. The one thing you're truly good at. And I'm not fighting it anymore.



I was talking the other day, about the ways that I cared for you, and how I never felt like they were appreciated.

I picked up a uhaul van, I waited next to the train tracks where you had your first bike accident ever. The exact same spot where I scooped you up off the ground, where I carried you out of traffic, and brought your bike with me. The exact same spot where I held you so fucking hard while you cried your eyes out. Where I yelled at the driver that stopped to see if you were okay, I was so defensive of you, this little girl that I could see right through at that moment, that I could see was hurting, that was letting me see. That was probably the closest I ever felt to you, and to your emotions. Because I felt like I was let in.

I picked you up off the ground that night, and dusted you off, and told you you'd be alright. I never could have loved you more than at that moment.

I built that bike for you. I wanted you to have what I cherished.


I waited there, looking at the ground. Looking at the spot where you fell. And I got the keys for the van. The big empty van.


You asked me so many times why I didn't just leave you, if there's so little I liked about you. That wasn't the case. It was never about things I didn't like about you. It was about wanting to cut through the bullshit, and be closer to you, and to feel safer. I never left you because I was completely entirely in love with you. I know somewhere inside, you know that.

We both know I'm not good with confrontation. I get mean when I'm cornered. I get defensive when I'm confronted. I get angry when I'm not listened to. I get angrier when I'm not given space in a situation when I need to clear my head and/or calm down.

We could make a list a mile long each, of the things we both do wrong.

"I'm sorry I fight you."

It never changed. I never wanted to just be another proving ground for your character, or for your image of personal strength. I just wanted a future with you, and a safe space to grow in.


Why are you always running? I wish you had the courage to just stick around, or to be happy with what you have.

I'm sorry your needs were so unfulfillable. Honestly, everyone has needs. And it's next to impossible to ever have anyone fill them.

I'm sorry I asked for you to be such a safe space for me. I suppose that's just as hard.

Well......

I'm alive.
And I'm healthy.

I've been talking a lot lately.
I've made some big plans.
I've learned some things.

You can't squeeze water from a stone.
You can't have expectations. You can't have people have expectations of you.
You can't make someone emotionally available, if they don't know how to be.
You can't feel emotionally safe with someone you don't belong with.
You can't change someone's past, and how they handle themselves now, based off of events that have happened in their past.
You cannot be the mother or fill the role of a parent for someone that wants nothing more to be back in the loving nurturing arms of someone too far away.
I can't change people. I can't make people a safe space for me. I should have ran at the first red flag. Back via instant messaging sessions, being told about a simple pleasure of inviting someone over, and how unhealthy the acts that followed were. About the desire to be treated poorly, to be abused, to be violated physically.
Resent for offering a safe space, and an alternative to that need to be mistreated.
Resent for the safe space never being returned.
We're all damaged.
Some people can't do anything for anyone else besides themselves.
Some people can't do anything for themselves, and everything for others.
I wanted to give someone a chance. That led to expectations. Expectations of emotionally open sharing. Of a healthy relationship. To eventual resentment of the lack of emotional safe space. Resentment at building bikes, driving moving vans, being threatened with my living space, painting apartments in virginia, at presenting myself as a positive person, only to get dragged into a negative outlook and constant shit talking. Resent at never being given emotional space when asked for it. Resent at myself responding poorly to the lack of agreement or safe space for myself.
Resent for expecting a safe emotional space from someone who can't communicate openly with anyone but her mother.
Resent for real depth being hidden behind formalities, goals, to do lists, noise.
Resent for everything that I had been giving, and trying to give, and not getting the one thing in return that I needed.
Resent for the control, power, and male issues that I constantly paid for.

Things were supposed to change. My frustration was slowly simmering down, but nothing was working fast enough to soothe the heartburn that had been growing for so long.

A relationship can't grow with two people who have such high expectations from each other.

A relationship can't grow when the people involved either want to go back in time and fight their mother, or go back in time, and be forever coddled by their mother.

A relationship can't grow when one person is actively trying to work through their issues, and the other person just talks, and avoids their issues.

A relationship can't grow with someone that only knows how to receive love as if they were a child.

A relationship can't grow with someone who's fed up with the dysfunctionalities of the other. On either side.

You can't dig your roots into a brick.

You can't expect too much.

You can't be expected of too much.





I'm worried about her. I'm worried about unhealthy practices. About unhealthy sexual practices. About hiding in books, in mothers' arms, in formalities, in self help books, in quotes, in ways to blame others', in ways to run from confronting the awful truth of why we are the way we are.

I'm so god damned worried about her. I don't want her to be the victim for the rest of her life. I don't want her to be a survivor for the rest of her life. I don't want those to be the only roles she knows how to play. I don't want her falling into lies, escapes, the emptiness of good intentions. I want her to realize that everything around her, she's a part of. In one way or another, she's contributed.


No relationship is one sided. No problems are just one persons' fault when there's two people involved.

Well, I'm hurting.

I found some old communications, a notebook passed back and forth.

And it certainly shines a light on a lot of problems that we've both had.

The ways that we're similar, the things we project onto each other.


I'm hurting, I'm hurting really badly. I've been building my life around someone for the past year. Reassuring them on things that came up. The topic of image, or being attractive, or not being good enough. I've been reassuring for a whole year, about how beautiful this person was, without makeup, without having to shave their legs, without having to be an object.

The thoughts of being boring, and not good enough. Your pictures of cats, the writings of your dreams, your ability to work on mechanical things yourself. Because behind all of those walls and all of those feelings of not being good enough, or having to appease someone as an object, I saw a beautiful person, a soft and sensitive and amazing person.

"JP, I need to actually matter to you if this is going to work. Matter in the sense of wanting to understand my goals and my desires. In the sense that everything I say is not an attack, does not require a knee-jerk defense, does not need to turn into confrontation."

I feel like the same can be said about either of us. On how many times I bring up my feelings, in whatever way I can. And instant defense. I'm sorry I'm bad at communicating my feelings. But both of us are.

"She had a pretty face, but she never learned how to talk."




I'm mean. I scream, and I try to push people away from me when I feel intruded, or like I don't have any space to even think in. I'm an asshole, and I turn all of my feelings of insecurity, feeling like I'm not being listened to, feeling like I'm just a comfortable space to curl up into, or a machine to scratch heads, and rub backs, and not having that safe space anywhere else in the world, and trying to slowly find that place in one person, I turn all of those feelings into frustration, and eventually anger.

You threatened me once, saying that "you couldn't believe that you were thinking of our future", "I was thinking of you and me having children together!". As if it was something to hang over my head. And it hurt. It still hurts. The ironic thing is, I started thinking from there. Started planing, started thinking of being a father, started thinking of actually having children with you. Started thinking of how I could be a father. Be the father that neither one of us had growing up. Then I started thinking of you being a mother. And how any of those mothering instincts could have been shown.

Even when we both probably hated each other, I've never left. I know what it's like to have abandonment issues. I know what it's like to be scared that the ground underneath your feet is going to drop right out from under you. At this point, it has for me.

I get frusterated, at all the times that I've tried so hard to be a stable and sturdy person. Painting a bedroom in nowhere virginia, with no way home except for one person that may or may not threaten me with the use of a car. Giving you my tax return when I had no money, even while I was mad at you. You drove away, got on your phone, and drove away. Coming home to you every night, and letting you know that it's the only thing I look forward to, and how I want to do it for the rest of my life. Going with you every chance I can get to go stand by your side while you're seeing your dad. Swallowing my pride, my discomfort, my frustration, and just being there for someone who needs me.

I don't blame you for any of the ways that you are. I also think that there are some major control issues, male issues, and parental issues that you need to work through.

I get pissed at how obvious of a control issue it is, to take actions that will directly hurt someone, take out from under them, everything that they were relying on. Cut off all comunication, and start communicating passive aggressively through the internet, blogs, myspace status'. It's taking control, and giving nothing to the other person, not even anything to work with. I'm not the one that took away your ability to control things in your life. I'm not the one that should pay for that either. I'm not the one that planted the seeds of you feelings useless as anything except an object. I even tried to reverse alot of those feelings. I didn't want to just fuck you, I didn't want you to just be around, I didn't want you to just look pretty, I didn't want any of those things. I still don't want any of those things.

You didn't plant the seeds of me feeling not good enough, but at this point, it's still a continual problem. You leave people that aren't good enough for you, don't you? You didn't plant the seeds of me having no outlet to express sadness or hurt, besides expressing them through frustration. But you still fight me. "I'm sorry I fight you." You fight me. You fight me, you fight the world. And I fight back when I get too scared or claustrophobic. You run from your real issues, by attacking your current issues, by finding goals and going after them at full speed. I see this, I know what running from unresolved issues looks like, I've done it. I've been doing it for a long time. I stopped running for you. I started talking it through for you.

We both have issues. I think the most I've ever screamed has been over either wanting to be left alone, or wanting to be listened to. It's funny how those things can and will eventually be used against you.

I don't blame you for having some of the issues you have. Issues you said you'd work on. For fuck's sake, I started to see a psychologist for you, for this relationship, for us, for our future. I started planning long term goals. I started really digging into my issues.

I also started waiting, waiting for you to be a more possitive person. Waiting for you to stop being so cold. TO be more comfortable in alot of situations, to stop just watching the world around you, and to join in, to stop staring and silently judging people.

I wanted someone to love me, and to be there for me, no matter how bad things got. I'm still here for you, no questions asked. I'm still here for you. I'm never not going to be here for you. I'm not that spiteful.

I suppose to love someone else, you have to love yourself. I think that's hard if you can't respect anything about yourself, or think that no one else can respect anything about you either.

I never planted the seed of you being a victim. I never wanted you to be the victim to the rest of the world. I never wanted you to have to assume the roll of the survivor. I never wanted that to continue.

It's a shame though, how in our roles it takes all the responsibility off of us. It's the rest of the world that's the problem. I'm just the victim. I'm just paying for these issues.

And I worry so god damned much about you. I worry about you continually setting yourself up in situations where you're seen as the victim, where you expect it. Because, then it gets fulfilled. We create our own outlooks. We create our own stories.

I think neither of us are fully capable of accepting love. I've built a home with you. And in some twisted mechanism of coping with things, you've not only shut me out of the place my heart calls home, but out of the only stable ground I had. I've built a home with you. At this point, I'm the only one putting any value on that. It's worth something. I'm sorry you don't think so.

I love you. I won't stop loving you. I never wanted to leave. I never wanted anything but a future with you. I'm sorry that neither of us could work through our things in time enough for you to be happy with. But since it's your decision, you want to be in control. You can have it. I love you. I will always be here for you. If I had a car, I would have helped you move your stuff.

thoughts on places and situations

Some people are always the victim in their own life's story.
Some people are also their own savior.
or a parent
or a new partner
or something as simple as wanting attention, intimacy, new love interests, to be desired sexually.
Some people have had to focus on different things.
Survival, recovery, self hate, loathing, growing up too fast.
Some people need to have a little help. Or years of help.
Some people work on things themselves, or at least convince themselves they are.
Even convince themselves that they're alright.
Some people have to make the rest of the world their problem, or their obstacle, their escape, they're magic, their enemy.

Some people don't have parents that they can trust, or that they can yet learn how to trust.
Some people can't trust anyone but the person that held them safe and tight through the stages of infancy and childhood.
Some people didn't have anyone to hold on to them.
Some people were held too tight. Squeezed, and internals broken.

Some people need warm places to nestle into.
Some people need to give those warm spaces. Sometimes in exchange for validation, or a feeling of appreciation.
In a way of trying to make themselves indispensable from the one they're trying to hold close.
Some people are ovens. Want to love and appreciate the world around them, even if they can't do it right all the time.
Some people are bricks. Heated and cooked, and burnt. The thing about bricks though, they're hard to stop.
Capable of hurtling themselves fullspeed into a certain direction. Ready to knock down anything that gets in the way.
A brick doesn't radiate heat. It absorbs it. And it's never enough.



So in the end, what happens when you put two people, both with control issues, a history of assault and mental and physical abuse, and a fear of being meaningless or not valuable, in the same room together? What happens?



Some people can open up immediately, just looking for that place inside of someone that they can call home. Bursting at the seems to spill out with things that have been stockpiling, just waiting for a nice warm home in another's heart to gently pack themselves away into.
Some people take months, or even years to open up.
Some people hide their feelings, and their stockpiled goods behind fronts, make up, sunglasses, a bad attitude.
Some people hide their feelings behind other feelings. Like hostility, anger, annoyance.

Different movies and story line, same plot. Slightly similar character development.

So where's the middle ground? When you're too busy pushing yourself into someone else's space and life. How do you accept incoming traffic, when you're too busy going?

different movies
same plot

There's a couple different ways to play the victim.
You can choose to be the continual victim, everyone does you harm, you tell yourself you don't deserve what the world gives you. Or maybe the world is too harsh for your standards.
Or you can choose to always play the survivor. The person who knows more than anyone else around them, knows that they deserve to get out on top. Armed with resources to help you get by, coping mechanisms, a familiar place to run back to. Or run away to.

Truth is subjective. We've all got our own stories. Our own roles we cast ourselves in.
And we're all working through our own problems.
It's just a shame how many of us have to pay for others' problems.
It's a shame that so many of us think we're paying for something. When we're freely giving it away.
History will repeat itself from time to time.
Sometimes it's hard to tell who's history it is.

12 July 08

"Things I have done to hurt you,things I am sorry for, things I need to change and will...

-I never should have told you to leave a home we've both established as equally ours.
I should never make you feel like you have nowhere to go, that your things are not safe, that your living arrangements are unstable.
I recognize this as an emotionally abusive quality and want to appologize and do whatever I can to change this

-I should never keep you from sleeping when you are tired. I get so excited to see you but it is overbearing and inconsiderate for me to want you to be fuly awake at all times. I know you work so, so hard and I want you to get all the rest you need and deserve.

-I should never have read your personal messages. This is inrusive and there should be no excuse for it. I was scared and wanted to know if you were moving on, but I should not have crossed that line, and I am sorry.

-I am sorry I fight. I am so sorry that I fight you. This probably sounds absurd, but last night, the thing that hurt me more than anything having to do with myself was the thought that I was not there for you when you confronted your mother, and that I am no longer a trusted space for you to talk about this. My god, the thought literally makes me choke. I have always seen us as a team and have felt your pains as if they were my own, and I want so badly to be there for you with your mother, and I wasn't.
For this I am the most sorry of all. That I took away your safe space within me and us. I don't know how I can ever gain your trust again but I will fight for it.

If you knew how much I love you your heart would just shiver and ache just like mine does, today, imagining this precious, precious person in my life, so precious you could be the most prized and adored part of my childhood fragile collection, so precious the rest of the world pauses when you are here - thinking that you, the most valuable, amazing gift I've ever had, could be hurt because of me, it makes my entire life crumble before me. In all the ways I have hurt you I am sorry. My only hope is that you will believe me when I say that keeping this and working to be what you need and deserve is my biggest priority. Please say we can work together to make each other happy and safe again. I love you too much to let this get away easily."

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